We are ready, we are ready for the floor.
-Hot Chip
If dignity were a blue heron amid a Charles River cluster of well-fed oar-stopping geese, it would scoop up the poisoned adult shad into its mouth, head for the upper boughs, and shit on my shoulder. I would, of course, be sitting three-seat. And if my catch were timely, the shit would have missed my shoulder.
Hi, reader. I think you know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to an event-that-shall-remain-nameless (involving par), a recession friendly pub crawl, and a (sub-par) alumni race. At all of these “events,” my wheels spun into various watersheds and became Firestone branded nesting ground for the aforementioned well-fed geese. But I had a simply-amazing time participating.
Many athletes neurotically observe and track their intake of essential and non-essential nutrients. And they chart (livestrong.com daily plate) their intake against their performance to achieve a balance that will permit their bodies to achieve peak fitness. We should clarify now: that person, isn’t me. But I believe the only way to reclaim my dignity (and clean my shoulder) is to ensure (for 2010) that all releasees listed on my score card initial and sign the following:
Libations Committee Release of Liability
I. I acknowledge, agree, and represent that I understand the nature of “event-that-shall-remain-nameless” and fully accept and assume all risks, losses, and damages incurred by my participation in “event.”
II. I fully understand that imbibing involves risks and dangers and that these risks and dangers may be caused by my own actions or inactions and result in:
A. Serious bodily injury
B. Economic loss or inability to close tab
C. Short naps in bath tubs
D. Public displays of affection with people I don’t know
E. Regrettable postings on textsfromlastnight.com
F. Spread of a pandemic
III. I agree and warrant that:
A. If I need a parent or guardian to sign this release, I should probably not participate in said “event”
B. I will not throw a dart in anger
C. I, and only I, am responsible for my own personal health, safety, and well being
D. With or without a SnuggieTM, the parking lot at Carberrys is not an ok place to nap
E. My key fob cannot and will not be used as a form of payment
F. The following actions are either socially unacceptable or illegal:
i. Urinating in public, both on the street and into the Androscoggin River
ii. Repeatedly requesting the Final Countdown (da-da-daa-daaaaa, da-da-da-da-daaaaaaaa)
iii. Wearing a man-tank after the sun goes down
IV. I hereby grant worldwide non-exclusive rights to any photographic image of me participating in “event” and allow my “image” to be:
A. Published and tagged on “the book”
B. Used as a tattoo template
C. Included in 2010 HOCR Post-Party Promotional Materials
V. I hereby indemnify, release, and hold harmless:
A. Event Organizers
B. Anyone subjected to my sweet, sweet dance moves
C. Owners and lessors of premises
D. Mens’ sweepers with (sweet, sweet) choreographed dance moves
E. That poor lightweight I told: you’re so tiny, I could just put you in my pocket
F. The swine
I have read this agreement, understand its terms, and believe that sometimes the best possible course of action (or unction) is an impromptu pub crawl with the releasees listed below:
3-seat (x3)